
At the heart of Deryn Rees-Jones’ new collection Hôtel Amour (Seren), there is a sequence of twenty-four sonnets which flip for the first time into the first person – following the third person of the early section, ‘The Hotel’, and preceding the (mostly) third person of the later section, ‘The Garden’. And at the heart of this first-person sequence, there is a poem, Sonnet xii, in which the poet addresses her thoughts to her deceased husband, the memory of whom is anchoring her sense of self to her weakened and virus-riddled body. And at the heart of this sonnet, like all of them neatly bisected into seven-line stanzas, this clause straddles the whiteness of the central break:
...and me
like a kite flown from the beach as you look up to hold me...
(Sonnet xii)
At the very heart of Hôtel Amour, then, is a ‘me’, and then a blank space, and then a metaphor, and then a ‘you’. And my reading of this collection is that it is an attempt – and a brilliant one – to fill in, or at least to give some definition to, that blank space that sits between the ‘me’ and the ‘you’ and which is therefore at the very centre, the unknowable centre, of the self. More specifically, this is the blank space between Rees-Jones and her husband, the poet Michael Murphy, who died of a brain tumour in 2009; but in taking on the project (started in 2019’s Erato – and earlier in the elegiac poems of Burying the Wren in 2012) of exploring her grief, she moves far beyond elegy, and builds a serious and profound meditation on what it means to be a human subject.
I said it is a brilliant attempt, and it is; to add that it is inevitably a failed one is not a criticism, in fact it is the whole point. We only have to go back to Erato, and the imaginative erasure/prose poem ‘13 Numbered Fragments Keeping Barbara Hardy in Mind’, to find the line: ‘The failure of the poem is the first mode of poetic form’. Rees-Jones draws on Derrida here, but you don’t need to get diverted into the vast and spectacular rabbit warren of post-structuralism to agree that any attempt to know the unknowable is going to end in failure. But that is okay, because – staying with Erato – however erroneous and erratic a poem might be, it can still end up ‘(f)ailing, falling, failing better. Or even failing worse as we set a context for new ways of thinking, feeling.’ And so poetry’s failure in attempting to express the inexpressible might paradoxically contribute to its ultimate success, as long as pinning down some strict ‘understanding’ is not your final goal.
For me, Erato and Hôtel Amour (the first two of what I understand is to be a trilogy) take us to a place somewhere close to where Eliot takes us in Four Quartets. Though without any overtly religious emphasis, and entirely unlike Eliot in style and tone, the self-imagining Narrator/ Poet/ Protagonist (from here on the Speaker), caught in the stasis of grief, appears to have found herself ‘at the still point of the turning world’, with fragments of memory isolated by vast spaces of white page as though cut off from one another and hanging in an obliterated past. Fantasy and fiction, reality and surreality, merge as chronology seems to become confused (‘Time shook the seasons and something like a snow globe on freeze-frame halted and refused to recalibrate’) by speaker’s experience of grief and illness combined. The footfalls which echo in her memory emerge from what could almost be described as a fever dream that comes out of the speaker’s slow recovery from long Covid both in Paris and at home – I think – in England.
The metaphorical pairing of illness and grief is the central duality in a collection full of pairings and partnerships, and one which reveals the illusion of the deeper Mind/Body dualism: the physical trauma of bodily illness and the psychological trauma of losing a loved one become one and the same in the speaker, allowing her in one sentence to evoke the enormity of experiencing both Covid’s onset and losing her husband:
but the whole house remembered – the heart pain, like something the size of a cathedral had collapsed inside her – how she could not breathe.
Illness and grief have elided, and the ‘lostness’, which is created by this elision (and evoked by acres of blank white page between fragmented thoughts, acting almost like a padding of cotton wool, and bringing with it a strange kind of insulated hush), reflects the disorientation the speaker experiences within the Eliotian ‘still point’, where she and her husband are the conceptual Two-Which-Became-One when he died (alternatively, another duality: ‘There. Not there.’, where she is the there and he is the not there at the same time as he himself was there and then not there).
These many and complex pairings suggest to me the elegance of a dance, perhaps like ‘Bing Crosby and Gene Kelly’ playing themselves and ‘singing and dancing a little’. And it occurs to me that what Rees-Jones is creating is some kind of phenomenology of the dance at Eliot’s ‘still point’. Bracketed off from the whole world’s turning, the speaker is left simultaneously with and without her husband: and ‘…who knows where in the mobius / strip of us we’ve landed’ (Sonnet iv). To my mind, the effect of the above is to evoke in poetry what Denise Riley described in prose so beautifully in Time Lived, Without its Flow; that is, it stimulates in the reader’s imagination the sensation of crushing loss.
It would be more accurate to talk about joinings than pairings (as well as there and not there, we have lost and found, Castor and Pollux, casein and whey, to name a few more or less at random, but we also have multiple, double-syllable words, often French and often bird-related (Deryn means wren in Welsh and birds are a recurring motif in her work): écoute, amour, pinson, moineau, coucou – where a single meaning comes from the joining of two sounds, or one sound repeated). In fact, the whole collection is an exercise of joining: the ‘Hotel’ – where the poet and her family had been years previously is joined to the ‘Garden’ – which her husband had looked out on from his deathbed (facts that may only be apparent to those who have read her earlier collections, and Rees-Jones’ introduction to Michael Murphy’s posthumous collected works). At the beginning of the third movement – The Garden – the speaker is having a bedroom window repaired by a mysterious ‘joiner’, who, given the metaphorical significance of the bedroom and its window, surely must be read as both a woodworking joiner and a joiner of metaphors. Perhaps, as the joiner’s appearance comes straight after the central sequence of sonnets, he can be associated with poetry itself, possible the muse of lyric poetry Erato crossing over from the previous collection. And the presence of Michael Murphy in the joiner is also hard to ignore. Both readings are given strength by the subtle frisson between the speaker and the joiner, and the almost disturbing hint of eroticism in some phrasing: ‘He could show her how smoothly it ran on its tracks and warn her to be more gentle. / Up would go the window and down would go the window, like the before and after, like a guillotine’.
An intrinsic part of grief and loss, because it is an intrinsic part of thinking, is memory. Rees-Jones has always been interested in memory and its failures. In her first collection, The Memory Tray, we find: ‘There was an object / That I can’t quite place. / Here instead is a dream’; an early acknowledgement that what the memory is not able to replay precisely, the imagination steps in to provide. And this failure of memory is part of the abovementioned failure of poetry in as much as memory must fail in order for us to function as ‘thinking selves’; and poetry must fail if it is to summon, or represent, or evoke, our experience of being ‘thinking selves’.
‘Our brains are made to forget’ she writes in Erato’s ‘Lapse’, we must selectively forget; even those with photographic memories have to forget some things for the brain to function. I think here of Borges’ Ireneo Funes in Funes el Memorioso, who ‘remembered not only every leaf of every tree of every wood, but also every one of the times he had perceived or imagined it’ but whom the narrator suspected ‘was not very capable of thought. To think is to forget differences, generalize, make abstractions’. Forgetting, or the failure of memory, is therefore not a failure at all but a crucial aspect of a well-functioning brain because it allows us to abstract and categorise, i.e. to think in a way that makes humans human.
The most visually arresting of Rees-Jones’ representations of the blankness of memory failure are the previously mentioned and imaginatively deployed white spaces that sometimes take up as much as a whole page, splitting stanzas, clauses, and sentences in Hôtel Amour. The cumulative effect is one of disorientation, perhaps confusion, as the unwell speaker wanders the streets of Paris, juxtaposing – or merging (joining) – her observations with half-memories and imagined moments.
The many large line and stanza breaks also create the disjointed effect of a mind searching back for scraps of memory in the vastness of a largely obliterated past. These can at times feel desperate…
flames ran and roared and suddenly – yes –
she called out
but they were gone
as the day was gone
without alibi, or futurity,
except in their own slow past.
…and sometimes distracted, as prepositions are split from phrases, articles delinked from nouns. The spaces create pauses for the reader which do not feel as though they are simply intended to lend emphasis to specific words. Is the narrator finding it difficult to maintain a flow of coherence? Is she tired? In pain? Is she unable to find the right words without effort? Or is she preoccupied with what is really on her mind, leading to an unfocused narrative?
She liked to imagine the couples who had been there before her, the temporary residents, ghosting and overwriting themselves in
captions of feeling: the tenderness, the
moments of indulgence, joy, boredom, vulnerability.
And almost as arresting are the revisions and crossings-out, less used but present in both collections, where a thought, an image, a statement or utterance, is returned to and changed, as the narrator/poet feels her way into a satisfactory formulation, perhaps including both because both are appropriate, both express different aspects of the same emotion or memory. At times a whole stanza or poem is revised and revisited, as in ‘The Owl Husband’ and ‘Erratum’ in Erato; and sometimes a train of corrective thought is made visible, in Hôtel Amour: “Mothers no strike that out now, Parents looking after children”.
In a sense Hôtel Amour in its entirety is a revisiting of the thoughts, memories, themes and symbols of Erato in the same way that ‘Erratum’ revisits ‘The Owl Husband’, the more recent collection representing on one level a long exercise in ‘Maybe I could put it this way…’.
The voice in Erato is quite specifically aligned with the poet herself, the first person singular and plural encouraging the reader to assume the biographical even if imagination and fiction are part of it, and therefore the poems (particularly the prose poems) have a vaguely Sebaldian feeling of fiction as an enhancement of rather than a replacement for the real. Hôtel Amour replays and revisits many of the same feelings, memories, places, and events in Erato; but the speaker is no longer so strongly aligned with Rees-Jones herself. The third person dominates, and the first person, when it comes in, does not reference clearly biographical details. This was heightened for me as a reader because I first read Hôtel Amour without any previous knowledge of the poet or her life – I read it, as it were, blind; and I only subsequently caught up with her past work. Experienced events, then, are replayed as memories not in the way that a film is replayed, but, because memory is imperfect, as acts of imagination – imaginative riffs on what once actually happened. An unnamed hotel in Paris is mentioned in Erato’s ‘Erasure’, for example, and it may be that the hotel was Hôtel Amour itself, which is after all a real hotel, but that is by no means necessarily the case because now the ‘she’ in Paris is created by the narrative voice (itself of course a figment of the poet’s imagination), and even in the central sequence of sonnets, the ‘I’ is, I feel, the same ‘I’ as in Erato, but now replayed in an imaginative mode. Perhaps it is the movement of a prose ‘I’ to a poetic ‘I’.
Rees-Jones’ genuine voice actually seems to come through more clearly in the imaginative poetic ‘I’ of the sonnets than in the prosaically rendered third person of most of the rest of the collection. If I sound surprised by this it is because I tend to find that I hear what I take to be the ‘real’ voice of a writer more in prose than in the often-heightened cadences of poetry. These central sonnets though are often beautifully and subtly rhymed internally but so expertly balanced and measured that their musicality allows for an undercurrent of what feels like Rees-Jones herself as opposed to Rees-Jones the poet, to rise to the surface. This is approached differently towards the end of the collection, where Rees-Jones reintroduces the ‘I’ and the sonnet form, but this time she keeps the diction relatively prosaic, letting metaphor and simile do all the heavy lifting, as though she is exhausted and so loosens her poetic grip, allowing this simple, brutal memory to be rendered as prose within the confines of a sonnet’s space – as (perhaps) her sense of self is rendered within the confines of the memory of her husband.
[There’s a memory I have, both fucked up & beautiful, of you
dead, and me beside you.
The irony – if that is what it is – of merging properties of prose with those of poetry, is brought into even starker relief when, immediately after this late sonnet, a painfully frank and yet enormously touching extract from an end-of-life information book is included in the fragmentary, carefully lineated form that makes up much of the work.
Some people lose control of their bladder and bowel as they
approach the end of life. This is normal but can be
embarrassing for you and those around you
It may feel strange to need so much help, but this can be a very
intimate and special time.
Again, the deliberate confusion of form and content – here, at the very moment of a death, one never escaped – feels almost dance-like, as though delicately balanced steps are tripping around the ballroom of grief. Eliot’s still point ensnares and limits, and yet paradoxically, it frees: ‘Only through time time is conquered’.
I’ll finish with two final, unconnected reflections.
One is that I have not dwelt on the elegant and significant use of leitmotif, not only in this collection but throughout Rees-Jones’s work (which as I say I have only recently discovered). The recurring symbol I cannot resist mentioning is the elephant, partly because its significance is emphasised by its multitudinous and imaginative appearances (I count eight throughout Hôtel Amour and Erato, one of which, ‘a tiny elephant on a string’, comes at the very end of the collection when the speaker is about to board an aeroplane (I believe to Paris where the action will do a chronological backflip and return to the opening pages of the collection) but also because of the vaguely comic and unlikely nature of the elephant itself as a symbol (Rees-Jones’s controlled comic flair and timing is another element that must wait for someone else to ruminate upon in some other blog). Of course, The Elephant is imbued with many levels of significance, from the religious and historical, to the linguistically clichéd (grief, or perhaps love, I guess, being Hôtel Amour’s elephant in the room!) and I call it comic simply because the creature is so incongruous to the context of the collection. But as a totem, it is, like Tom Bombadil in Lord of the Rings, potent because its full meaning is impossible to pin down.
What the image of the elephant suggests most strongly to me is the metaphor that Jonathan Haidt chose in his book The Righteous Mind of the Elephant and the Rider. The rider is our conscious, rational, thinking mind; the elephant is our instinct, our intuition and our emotions. Of course, I don’t know if this is how Rees-Jones means the elephant to be read, she may not have read Haidt or she may repudiate him, but for me, the elephant motif suggests that in Hôtel Amour we are travelling in a world of intuitions and emotions, not a rationally explicable world – and that is the world of memory, and dream.
Having already written enough to ensure that no one will be reading by this point, I will try to make my final reflection a brief one. Towards the end of the period that I was reading and writing about Rees-Jones’ work, my mother-in-law passed away from pancreatic cancer. Watching and speaking to her in her final days as her body failed and witnessing the awesome spectacle of my wife taking on the full responsibility for the care of her mother at home, gave many of Rees-Jones’ words a new significance, especially those relating directly to her husband’s premature death. I returned to my essay on her work and found that I no longer thought some of the things I had thought before my mother-in-law died. New thoughts came to me, based in a fresh awareness of the bodiliness and the gravity – I might almost say the sanctity – of a human life ending. What had always seemed like a very good collection, had morphed into a profoundly serious and important one. This essay, then, is a substantially revised version of the one I originally wrote, and even now I am aware that my present reflections are also probably provisional, perhaps fleeting, but certainly contingent.
To return to the ‘me’, the blank space and the ‘you’, and the failed attempt to define the space between them through metaphor which I mentioned at the beginning of this essay; it seems to me that the world of meaning-making where this attempt takes place is the world that exists somewhere between the writer and the reader, fully belonging to neither but for which each bears responsibility, albeit of a different type.
I think about the revisions and reworkings in Rees-Jones’ work, I think about her celebration of the necessary failures in art and life, and I think about her speaker’s fragmentary voice speaking brokenly into a whiteness of blank paper. Then I think about my own revisions, my own failures.
I think about the still point of the turning world, where the dance is.
And without my fully understanding why, the people around me – both in my memory and as physical presences in my life now – suddenly seem more important.
You can buy Hôtel Amour here
You can buy Erato here
You can read Four Quartets here
You can buy Time Lived, Without its Flow here
You can read my reflections on Denise Riley’s Lurex here


















